The following essay about Sara’s Story was written by A. O’Connor, a middle schooler, enrolled in City Congregation’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah program. Students spend a year and a half researching their heritage, values and beliefs, and write on a Jewish subject of their choice, their major project; an example of this last component can be seen below. The process improves both the student’s writing and critical thinking skills, as well as his/her self confidence and overall maturity.
Before I begin, I want to explain my project. For my project, I’ve written a story, selections from which I’ll read aloud. The story is about a young Modern Orthodox woman, a college student named Sara, who considers leaving her community. She has been living on campus, enjoying the diversity of life there, even as her family wishes she would move back home and commute to school. Afterwards, I draw on research I did for the story to explain and interpret it. Later on, I’ll say why I chose to present my learning in story form. So here begins the story!
Section I
Sara ran her hand over all her dresses hanging up in a neat row. She stopped on a simple black dress that went down to her elbows and below her knees. Pulling it out she laid it on her bed, then continued down the line of dresses. At that moment her roommate and best friend Nikki peered in through the doorway. Sara sighed and turned to Nikki as she walked in holding a glass of water and her favorite book, York. Nikki gazed at Sara’s black dress, which lay neatly on the bed.
“You’re not wearing that for Shabbat, are you?”
Sara peeked her head out of her closet.
“It’s my first traditional Shabbat in a month; I need to make a good impression.”
Nikki flipped the dress over and lay down on Sara’s bed.
“So, what are you going to tell your parents?” Nikki asked.
“What do you mean?” Sara retorted.
“I mean, you’re going to have to tell them about the fact that you’re considering taking up Humanistic Judaism. We have gone over this.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Sara said hotly.
“We went over this last night. You have a whole speech written out,” Nikki answered, leaning over and grabbing two pieces of crumpled paper from her nightstand.
“Fine, I just don’t want to ruin my image; after all, they are already disappointed in me. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to read that speech tonight.”
Sara sighed and pulled out an elegant, blue dress.
“I know, but it isn’t like this is going to do you any good. You’re just going to drift apart from your family and one day when you see them years later, you’ll have to tell them,” Nikki responded. Sara sighed and sat down on the bed next to her black dress.
“I know you’re right,” Sara conceded. “That meeting you took me to of the Humanist Club on campus has had me thinking all these weeks. At home, we never really talked about the basis of our religious beliefs. We just took them for granted. But as I think about them, they lose their hold on me. And yet, I find the ethical beliefs I value are present in humanism too, free of the religious ones. It’s just hard to tell my parents this.”
Section II
Thump, thump, thump. Sara jumped up from the couch, adjusting her black dress before speeding over to grab the door. Her heart seemed to skip a beat when she saw her brother standing there dressed in a black formal suit with a blue tie and wearing a white, knit yarmulke. The combination of blue and white reminded Sara of the Israeli flag.
“Shalom, it’s great to see you again,” he said, making a small hand gesture.
Sara smiled and blushed, “Shalom, Aaron.”
Aaron then extended his arm, and Sara wrapped her arm around his elbow. Turning back, Sara yelled into the doorway, “I am leaving, I should be back around 8 or 9 pm.”
Aaron seemed to look away for a second and then started to walk.
They were halfway down the block when Aaron said, “Sister, let us rejoice in the fact that you are still keeping up with our traditions.”
Sara nodded, wondering if he meant now or in the past month that she had been away from home. “I have to say, you look magnificent tonight, though I have to ask you something.”
“Ask away.”
“I can’t help but wonder why you would leave us just to have the full college experience, to move away from your friends and family just to sleep in a dorm with others.” Sara rolled her eyes. Ever since she had moved away, she tried to figure out how to tell her parents why this decision meant so much to her, but they still did not understand. She knew her parents worried that living full time at a secular college, she would lose her Judaism. And it was true, starting her freshman year at the secular college had opened her eyes to the many backgrounds and stories of her peers. The world, Sara realized, was far vaster than what she had seen growing up in her Modern Orthodox community.
“Well, I guess I wanted to be like all the other girls, to live with others and share books and clothes with them.”
“But don’t we do that at home?” Aaron slickly asked.
“I guess, but it just is not the same. At home we all come from the same origins; we are related by blood. But in a dorm, we are just girls with dreams who happened to go to the same college.”
Aaron shrugged. He then reminded Sara that her roots came from her family, not from her new roommates, and she had a second chance to reenter the community. But Sara knew there was a deeper issue. She was losing her faith in the God of Judaism. It was hard to believe a supernatural God was watching her every move. Plus, if God was so concerned about humans, why was there so much suffering and pain? This explained her interest in Humanistic Judaism. She ventured a question to her brother.
“Aaron, do you ever question our faith? I mean, are you sure there is a God who commands all the things we do?”
Aaron was silent for a moment. “Well, this is why we worry about you living at school. You are bound to have your faith challenged there. I wish you’d come home.”
Sara sighed. There was nothing more to say.
Finally, they arrived outside of their apartment building. “Before we go inside,” Aaron said, letting go of Sara’s arm, “I just want to let you know tonight Mama and Papa invited some people over. They might already be upstairs.”
“Okay,” Sara responded. Though inside she was not okay with it.
Section III
Sara arrived at the fifth floor, her brother trailing behind. “Come on,” She yelled down the staircase.
It was normal for them to use the staircase on Shabbat because they tried their best not to use electricity, and it got them in shape. Aaron finally arrived and grabbed Sara’s arm once again. They had made it halfway down the hall when the door swung open. She recognized her best friend, Hannah, standing in the doorway wearing her short black dress. What a relief to see Hannah there! With her choice of clothes, Hannah pushed against the strict dress code of tzniut, or modesty, and suggested the world outside of Orthodoxy. Sara ran the rest of the way, and upon reaching the door, embraced Hannah. Sara and Aaron then touched the mezuzah fixed to the doorway with their fingers, which they then kissed.
Hannah smelled like lavender and was warm even on this cold night. She let go of Sara, scanning her up and down. Finally, she stepped aside to let Sara in. Sara was immediately greeted with hugs and kisses from her parents, grandparents, friends, and family. Overall, there were 14 people there, including Sara. They all talked and mingled about. Sara took in all the familiar features of the living room, especially the books on the shelves, which included romantic poetry alongside the Torah commentaries—a mark of how liberal her parents were in their Orthodoxy. Right as Sara finished pouring herself a glass of water she was met by her grandparents. Her grandpa, Baba, sighed.
“You are all grown up now.” He reached out to pat her shoulder.
Her grandma, Mimi, smiled and pulled out a small photo album from her purse. “Come sit with us,” she said as she guided Sara towards the couch.
Grudgingly Sara sat down. She had a feeling that this was about bringing her back and convincing her to stay. But she sat up straighter and leaned in to see all the photos. Mimi first started by showing her photos of her and her family. Then pictures from her first time at synagogue. Next were pictures of her, Hannah, and her other best friend, Holly. She topped it off with pictures of her Simchat Bat, her bat mitzvah, and family trips. At the end of it, Sara felt tears appear in her eyes making her vision blurry.
Mimi and Baba quickly embraced her, whispering “I know this is hard, but you don’t have to do this, there is always room for you right here, with God.”
Sara immediately pulled herself away. Of course, how could she be so stupid? They wanted her to stay, but she wanted to go. They didn’t seem to understand that this was hard for her too, but she had already made up her mind. Sara quickly got pushed into a crowd of people trying to watch her mom as she lit the candles and said the blessings over them. She tried to follow along but was lost in thought. Once her mom finished lighting the candles, she gestured for everyone to sit down. The dinner table was set elegantly for Shabbat, with her mom’s best china. Enticing aromas came from the apricot-glazed chicken, carrot kugel, and pecan-crusted noodle ring.
Section IV
As they finished all the additional blessings over the bread and wine, and started to dig in, a knock on the door startled everyone. Sara got up along with Aaron and their younger sister Chloe, to answer the door. As they started to greet the person, Sara recognized her. It was their cranky, atheist neighbor, Karen.
“Hello,” she said, peeking inside the apartment. “I was wondering what all the ruckus is all about.”
Sara stepped forward and said, “We are just celebrating Shabbat with some of our close friends and family.” The neighbor nodded.
“So, why do you have to be so loud? And so obnoxious?” Karen asked. “Don’t you have rules against it? Because, apparently, you are above the building rules?”
Sara looked at her siblings and thought about how to respond. For years, Karen had come knocking with complaints and disagreements. Sara had never been the one to settle this, but she now had to take responsibility. She thought for a second and then responded.
“We value friends and family because they provide love and support and therefore, we sometimes get a little overexcited and emotional around them. Though we also value kindness, especially towards others, so we will try to be quiet, and I hope you have a nice day.”
Sara awaited Karen’s response while she looked Sara up and down. Karen nodded and walked away. Aaron and Chloe just looked at Sara as she shut the door and went to finish their meal.
As she ate, she thought about Karen and how she asked about something so deeply meaningful as values. Sara also saw, by her response to Karen, how deeply she valued her community. She was so lost in thought she did not even hear Chloe say, “And Karen did it, I cannot believe it worked!”
Section V
Sara sat down next to Mama and Papa on the couch. She could feel the room around her become quiet and everyone started to stare at her. Her brother finally stood up and said, “Today we ask Hashem to forgive our lost family member, Sara, who has chosen to leave our family. She is a bright young mind and has always made us laugh. She values the kindness of others even when they can sometimes not be the nicest back. She is the light of the family; she has always guided us through the dark even though she is modest about that. She values education and has a dream, but we wish she would stick with us just for a little bit longer. I remember when we were young, and she told me that no matter what she would stick with us and become a rabbi. Now she seems to have become so distant, and I wish she would come back to us. Amen.”
Sara’s heart sank. She had promised to stick with her family, and now she was considering leaving them. Though a part of her mind kept saying, “You need to follow your heart; you don’t want to be a part of this, follow your heart.”
Chloe stood up next.
“Ever since I was young, Sara always helped me learn about my roots and made me feel at home. She taught me what to believe and led me down a path that I still am following. She used to come home and teach me about Judaism and how important it is, but now that she is moving away it seems like it was all for nothing. It means nothing now that you are gone; as you once said, we treasure those who stand by their word all the time. Amen.”
Sara felt her eyes water. The part of her brain that kept arguing against her family felt smaller and smaller, and her willpower decreased.
Last but not least her parents stood up. Her father sighed and pulled out a piece of paper. “Ever since Sara was young and learned how to talk, she impressed everyone. I remember the day she met our rabbi, Rabbi Daniel. She greeted him by saying, Shalom. Only a week later she started to learn Hebrew and Yiddish. She became fluent in both, and always paid respect to Hashem and followed the mitzvot. She has been a model for everyone in our community. We are sad to see her move, to leave all that behind, and hope she will have a change of heart.”
Sara tried to keep herself from crying.
Next, her mom went. “Sara, you are the glue of the family, even as a child you resolved all your siblings’ fights and practiced the Torah while going to school. You are a gift, and we hope you can see how vital you are to this family.”
Section VI
After all the speeches, Sara went to her childhood bedroom. As she was the oldest, she had gotten her own room. She had decided to paint it a light blue, her favorite color at the time. She had a full bed in one corner with a nightstand. She sat down on the bed and remembered jumping up and down on it with Aaron while Mama and Papa tried to tuck her into bed. Nowadays she put herself to bed. In one corner on a stand sat the mini-Torah she had gotten when she had finished her bat mitzvah. Next to that hung her certificate of accomplishment for superlative knowledge of Hebrew and the pen she had gotten for her bat mitzvah as well. She smiled at all the fun she had while working on her bat mitzvah and celebrating it. She had spoken on the role of women in the Torah and knew her strand of Modern Orthodoxy endorsed a larger role for women in religious practice, even allowing for women rabbis. Tears finally came and she could not stop them from flowing down her cheeks. A knock on the door made Sara wipe away her tears. Her sister walked in holding a tissue box. She sat down next to Sara. “I know you want to have the full college experience and think it will be better to live in a dorm, but we miss you. Plus, to be a part of this family you have to be here. You taught me a lot, now let me teach you how to stay.”
Sara looked down at Chloe, her brown hair covered by a cloth. She wore a black dress with black Steve Maddens—modest but fashionable.
Sara nodded and announced, “I will stay.”
Chloe immediately jumped up and squealed, “OK, now you can give your dorm room to some other college student and come back to live with us!”
Sara nodded.
She stood up and made her way back to the living room where everyone immediately fell quiet. Sara took a deep breath and said, “I have been with my family through thick and thin, and tonight they showed how much they love me. Another girl can have my dorm room because I am coming back to live with my Mama, Papa, and….”
But before Sara could finish, the room erupted, and people started to embrace Sara from all sides. She realized why she wanted to stay. Perhaps her loss of faith in God was not that important. Or she might recover it. Her family and community were important to her. She wanted to stay because she did not want to face life and all the challenges she would encounter alone.
ANALYSIS OF STORY
I’ve sometimes wondered about the observant Jews who live in the same apartment building with me and my family. They keep to some pretty strict practices even though all around them are people, Jews and non-Jews, who do not keep the same customs. I’ve wondered if this is hard on some of the kids and if they ever question their family’s practices. I’ve come to learn that the observant Jews in my building count as Modern Orthodox, and my story is about a young woman among them who has begun to doubt Orthodox life and belief. Although I researched my topic, I prefer to present what I learned in story form, as I love hearing and telling stories, writing plays, and using fiction to get at the truth of things.
In my story, Sara and her family are Modern Orthodox Jews. For my understanding of Modern Orthodoxy, I drew from a New York Times article on the Humanist chaplain at Harvard, Greg Epstein; two surveys of Modern Orthodox life and those who leave it; and a memoir of an ex-Modern Orthodox Jew, Tova Mirvis, entitled The Book of Separation. I mention various practices of Modern Orthodoxy throughout the story. For example, a yarmulke is worn by Sara’s male family members to symbolize their devotion to God. Additionally, only a man can recite most of the blessings on Shabbat. Women are supposed to wear modest knee-length dresses or longer. In the story, Shabbat is also very important to Sara and her family.
For instance, she wants to look her best for it, so does her brother Aaron, everyone dresses up for it, the food is special, and blessings are recited. Some signs that Sara’s family are Modern Orthodox are that they live on an upper floor in a mid-rise building, with atheist neighbors, and include many secular books in their home library. In addition, within Sara’s community, a woman can become a rabbi.
Greg Epstein, the new Chief Chaplain at Harvard University, states that “There is a rising group of people who no longer identify with any religious tradition but still experience a real need for conversation and support around what it means to be a good human and live an ethical life.” Therefore, through his work, Epstein emphasizes connecting and fostering relationships with one another rather than with God. This is Sara’s own situation.
Many young people who leave Modern Orthodox Judaism do so because of their experience at a secular college their parents allow them to attend. Since, in the story, Sara’s family is Modern Orthodox, as opposed to Ultra-Orthodox, the parents allow their daughters and sons to attend secular universities. Therefore, Greg Epstein’s secular outlook on religious life at Harvard University echoes the environment in which Sara finds herself in the story.
The research shows that a secular university is often the place where a Modern Orthodox young adult decides to leave the fold; and college has indeed pulled Sara away from Orthodox Judaism.
The part of my story where Sara is getting ready for Shabbat and pulls out a drab black dress, when Nikki then comments, “You are not wearing that for Shabbat, are you?” illustrates that in Sara’s secular environment she feels the need to question her religious beliefs, especially the demand for modesty. In her choice of clothes, Sara’s friend Hannah also does this.
Someone, such as Sara, may want to leave Modern Orthodoxy for a variety of reasons. For instance, it could be that their questions go unanswered: How can God tolerate so much unhappiness and suffering in the world? Sara tries to raise this question with her brother, but he won’t answer. Members of Modern Orthodoxy may also find that the prayers no longer feel meaningful as the claims about God no longer feel true.
People have many different reasons for staying in Modern Orthodoxy even though they may want to leave. When one has been raised observing Shabbat, that can seem too important to give up. Even ex-Orthodox think back fondly on Shabbat. Also, even more than providing a sense of family and community, a reason to stay is for the feeling of home and belonging, which some ex-Orthodox miss after they’ve left.
Some people love the tight-knit community. To them, it feels like family and they are not ready to give up the feeling of belonging to the community. Another reason is that they don’t want to cut ties with their family, and feel guilty about the prospect of leaving. They don’t want to leave their family and lose support or love. Having grown up in a very structured religious group, such as the one in which Sara was raised, Sara can find it daunting and frightening to step outside of that collective setting and advocate for herself as an individual. Sara has been so used to being told what to do, what to wear, and what to say, that she struggles with envisioning a life without those rules.
When you are in the Orthodox community you can feel like you are forced to stay and don’t have the option to leave your family members behind. Also, while you are just a struggling college student, stepping away from Orthodoxy and your family can be very mentally, emotionally, and financially challenging. Sara concludes that, in the end, her loss of faith in God is not enough of a reason to leave the religious world she grew up in. Maybe the most important thing I learned in telling Sara’s story is that people who are very different, like Sara and me, can still share important values, like, for instance, family.
